Serenity

It's been a while since I last wrote and, to be quite honest, I haven't had any desire to do so. So very much has changed. I'm the kind of person who always has to have a plan, why? Because plans make me feel like I'm in control of what's going on. Believe me when I say I know that God is the one with the real plan but still.

I'm lost, and I don't mean geographically, I'm always lost that way. 

I'm lost in as much as I don't know what to do next. I'm so used to having a plan, to knowing exactly what I want to happen. I'm so used to having everything fall neatly in to place just as I PLANED, it would. But as they say, no battle plan survives contact with the enemy. 

Yet I can't get over the simple fact that it didn't work. Why didn't it work? It almost always works, everything I do has a purpose, a reason. Like a clearly thought out game of chess, I know what my opponent will do, has done, and is thinking of doing. But now it's like they changed the game, right in the middle, like, we went from playing Chess to playing Chutes and Ladders, and I fell down the chute.

So now I'm lost, an unsuccessful plan, a strange new place, and always the over arching thought, "Why didn't it work?" And of course I can't lay the blame on outside influences, unexpected moves from a player who knew more about the game than anticipated. No, my nature is to wonder what I did wrong? How did I mess up the plan? What move did I skip? 

And no matter how much I try to tell myself, "It's not your fault. Even the best laid plans can be undone by one loose string. One variable unaccounted for in the formula. I still can't help but blame myself. In my heart I know it wasn't my fault, but sometimes logic takes over. So now I'm lost, do I choose to lay a new plan? Or do I try for once to do things with out a plan? Do I forget logic for a time and listen to my heart? I don't know what to do, and whether I lay a new plan or follow my heart, remains to be seen. I know however, no matter which path I choose things can't be the same, I won't be able to go back to a point were I can re-use the old plan, I must make a new one or forgo it altogether.


I know this sounds ridiculous and vain, but the truth of the matter is, yes, I'm a hopeless romantic, but this. The logical, cold calculating approach is how I think. Funny isn't it? One of the biggest hopeless romantics in the world and I choose to express myself this way. But for me, science is something I've always keenly understood, and no matter how complicated my life got, I could always lose myself so easily in a Chemistry conundrum. And perhaps that's what I need to do now. But for the first time, God am I having more issues than normal when it comes to not thinking about it over, and over again. Honestly, I just wish God would give me some insight into his plan, then at least I could figure out what my next move is gonna be.