That's right ladies and gentlemen the perpetual hopeless romantic has a girlfriend. (crazy, I know.) But anyway; I realize that I am long, long, long long, long over due for a post and I figured that now would be as good a time as any to give you the low down on this pretty awesome girl.
I'd like to be all clever and open this post with some cliched thing about waking up like any other day only this time I'm waking up next to her but I'm afraid that's already been taken. So here's how I'll start this ramble:
Every so often when I'm talking to her or, looking at her she gives me this look. I wish I could explain it so you could understand but I can't, suffice it to say it always starts me wondering, what is she thinking? And I confess there are a great many times I'd love to know what's going through her mind. She's such an enigma to me at times and it drives me crazy. I know she doesn't do it on purpose. She's been hurt a lot in the past this wonderful, amazing girl. ( which whole other topic but in short to all the douche bags who hurt her/ let her go: you're idiots, but I'm glad you are cause I got her because of your stupidity. [oh and additional side note: you're all jack asses, so there's that. Sorry in advance if I punch if ever presented with the opportunity.) She's getting better as each day progresses. Sometimes though I think she doesn't realize just how hurt I've been too. She always says she's the lucky one because she got me and I'm helping her become unbroken, but what she doesn't always seem to realize is I'm just as lucky because she's been helping me too.
There are people who condemn us for our relationship, for whatever reason, and to those people all I can say is sorry, but I'm happy with her. And though it may seem like our relationship is moving fast, I'd have to be inclined to disagree with you. No two people are ever the same, and so it stands to reason that no two relationships are either, and in the belief just know that I am happy with her, I'm happy where she and are at and I'm happy about the time at which we arrived at this place. I know some won't ever understand this but I feel like it needs saying.
To continue: This girl. She's funny, she's smart, she's pretty, she's a leader. She's far stronger then she realizes and I can't wait for the day she discovers it. And though she has many fears about how our relationship is going to turn out I plan on sticking around and silencing each and every one of them. Robert Frost famously said that we should take the road less traveled, and while I agree with the sentiment the road less traveled still has a map and in this case I think I'll blaze a new road come what may. And I can't wait to see what new wonders she and I find upon it as we make our way.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Tuesday Letters: This One's Long
I mean really long, so, you know, bare with me.
I don't know why but it seems like whenever I'm in a pinch I write to you. Perhaps because it's easy, or simply because we've been through a lot emotionally. You're a wonderful friend there's no doubt about that. I enjoy talking to you we always seem to have such witty conversations. (sarcasm will do that for you.)
There's so much I'd simply love to say to you. Unfortunately I never seem to know what they are when I actually have the chance.
I know... how to properly phrase this? Okay. I like you, I've no doubt you know that, and I know we're only friends and believe me I am okay with that. Especially considering all I've been through lately in the relationship department. I told you I would be whatever you needed me to be and as such I am perfectly happy to be your friend. But I have to be honest (cue hopeless romanticism) I won't say I will always have these feelings because forever is a very long time. But I will say that I'll have them for a while. I guess basically I'm currently apologizing for any likely future/current awkwardness.
And on that subject...... I would of course love to go out with you, because, you know, I like you and all. I think, perhaps we might be good together, but like I said I understand that you don't want that and I'm okay with that. I guess it's just important to me for you to know the whole truth. Although I suppose writing an open letter does kind of defeat that purpose but I suppose you get the point anyway.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Perhaps just rambling on like I always do. I'm lost about all this, I don't really know why but I just am. It's not a bad thing it's just what it is right now. I'd love to do exactly what you'd like me to do. And if all that is me being your friend, then damn it! I'm gonna be the best friend I can be.
Because I can.
(I did edit this, I ranted for a while longer but it kind of made very little sense when I went back and read it, but I digress.)
Your's Truly,
Sam
P.S. I still posted before midnight on Tuesday, yay!
P.P.S. It really isn't your fault by the way, I am awfully sorry about everything that's happened. I just wanted you to know that.
P.P.P.S. This is about you, but I'm fairly certain you guessed that this time, but perhaps not who knows?
I don't know why but it seems like whenever I'm in a pinch I write to you. Perhaps because it's easy, or simply because we've been through a lot emotionally. You're a wonderful friend there's no doubt about that. I enjoy talking to you we always seem to have such witty conversations. (sarcasm will do that for you.)
There's so much I'd simply love to say to you. Unfortunately I never seem to know what they are when I actually have the chance.
I know... how to properly phrase this? Okay. I like you, I've no doubt you know that, and I know we're only friends and believe me I am okay with that. Especially considering all I've been through lately in the relationship department. I told you I would be whatever you needed me to be and as such I am perfectly happy to be your friend. But I have to be honest (cue hopeless romanticism) I won't say I will always have these feelings because forever is a very long time. But I will say that I'll have them for a while. I guess basically I'm currently apologizing for any likely future/current awkwardness.
And on that subject...... I would of course love to go out with you, because, you know, I like you and all. I think, perhaps we might be good together, but like I said I understand that you don't want that and I'm okay with that. I guess it's just important to me for you to know the whole truth. Although I suppose writing an open letter does kind of defeat that purpose but I suppose you get the point anyway.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Perhaps just rambling on like I always do. I'm lost about all this, I don't really know why but I just am. It's not a bad thing it's just what it is right now. I'd love to do exactly what you'd like me to do. And if all that is me being your friend, then damn it! I'm gonna be the best friend I can be.
Because I can.
(I did edit this, I ranted for a while longer but it kind of made very little sense when I went back and read it, but I digress.)
Your's Truly,
Sam
P.S. I still posted before midnight on Tuesday, yay!
P.P.S. It really isn't your fault by the way, I am awfully sorry about everything that's happened. I just wanted you to know that.
P.P.P.S. This is about you, but I'm fairly certain you guessed that this time, but perhaps not who knows?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Hey Didn't See You There!
I started this post as another open letter. In all honesty I start most of them as open letters because I actually really enjoy writing letters even if I never send them. There's just something relaxing about expressing all the thoughts and feelings that tend to get jumbled up in one simple concise place. Anyway as I read this big long rant of a letter in which I rambled mostly to fill space most likely, I realized I could boil it down to a few sentences so I thought it would be cool for my weekly post to write something of a mix between Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes and the open letters. So, each Tuesday I will write one of these open letter thank you thingys at least until I come up with a better thing to post weekly haha.
So here is my first Tuesday Letter:
Hey, you.
It's been a while, I could (and have) written you a long letter but I'm going to condense it to the important stuff. I'm worried about you, and I just want you to know I'm thinking about you and here if you need me. That's it, I hope things get better.
Oh! And because I feel like giving an extra one, mostly because I can't pass up this perfect opportunity here's one more on a lighter note.
How's it going in there? I appreciate you being quite. It has been a while though so trust me.... We ALL KNOW what's going on. I just wanted to let you know I took the liberty of lending your door knob a sock, just in case could you please make sure it gets washed before you give it back.
Love,
Your Thoughtful Roomy
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
The End, and The Begining
I've been staring at the empty page of this blog post for about...... oh an hour now. I've typed beginnings hated them then deleted them, started anew and petered off after the first sentence. I wrote letters but most of them where angry or upset and I didn't want to write that, so I deleted them.
But finally I arrived at a realization after typing out one more angry letter and deleting it:
A lot of things in my life have ended lately, and while I admit it's had me sad... or worried at times. I made a realization today. I woke up at 7:30 and decided that despite my lack of running shoes I was going to go anyway because I needed that release back in my life, and it felt amazing. When I got back I decided that I was going to go work out the last paperwork I needed to do to re-enroll this term instead of next. And all of a sudden as I accomplished more and more tasks; looking for a job, doing laundry, helping a friend get acquainted to college life, making plans with people other than my roommates, cleaning the kitchen and organizing my closet, I discovered what I'd been missing as the summer has drawn to a close: a challenge, a task, just something to do. I feel amazing today, accomplished, successful, and most importantly happy.
Don't get me wrong, I have been surprisingly happy, all things considered. (A little bit of history here, I recently ended a huge yearish long relationship) anyway, the point is I knew in my heart it was time to let go but at the same time, it is hard. But that isn't the point of this post. This post is about new things, about old endings and new beginnings.
I am so very happy to back in Monmouth, to be near old friends and ready to make new ones. But mostly I'm happy to be starting a new chapter in my life and finally writing the ending of the last one. I feel like I'm thriving again (even if I do play more video games then I should still) old habits die hard I guess. But even my video game addiction is something I've decided to work on and while I'll still play more than the average person I plan on cutting down the hours I log. I'm also going to blog more regularly now; even if it's only a paragraph I want to write once a week. Why? Because I have decided that I want to set a goal for my little blog. I think it would be cool to have at least twenty readers by the end of the year. So in the words of my great hero Barney Stinson: "Challenge excepted!"
It's time to better myself to become the person, the teacher, the roll model I want to be. The journey starts now, and I know it's going to be an eventful and exciting one. :)
But finally I arrived at a realization after typing out one more angry letter and deleting it:
A lot of things in my life have ended lately, and while I admit it's had me sad... or worried at times. I made a realization today. I woke up at 7:30 and decided that despite my lack of running shoes I was going to go anyway because I needed that release back in my life, and it felt amazing. When I got back I decided that I was going to go work out the last paperwork I needed to do to re-enroll this term instead of next. And all of a sudden as I accomplished more and more tasks; looking for a job, doing laundry, helping a friend get acquainted to college life, making plans with people other than my roommates, cleaning the kitchen and organizing my closet, I discovered what I'd been missing as the summer has drawn to a close: a challenge, a task, just something to do. I feel amazing today, accomplished, successful, and most importantly happy.
Don't get me wrong, I have been surprisingly happy, all things considered. (A little bit of history here, I recently ended a huge yearish long relationship) anyway, the point is I knew in my heart it was time to let go but at the same time, it is hard. But that isn't the point of this post. This post is about new things, about old endings and new beginnings.
I am so very happy to back in Monmouth, to be near old friends and ready to make new ones. But mostly I'm happy to be starting a new chapter in my life and finally writing the ending of the last one. I feel like I'm thriving again (even if I do play more video games then I should still) old habits die hard I guess. But even my video game addiction is something I've decided to work on and while I'll still play more than the average person I plan on cutting down the hours I log. I'm also going to blog more regularly now; even if it's only a paragraph I want to write once a week. Why? Because I have decided that I want to set a goal for my little blog. I think it would be cool to have at least twenty readers by the end of the year. So in the words of my great hero Barney Stinson: "Challenge excepted!"
It's time to better myself to become the person, the teacher, the roll model I want to be. The journey starts now, and I know it's going to be an eventful and exciting one. :)
Saturday, July 23, 2011
It does not do to dwell on dreams...
Perhaps a tad on the nose but I still think it fits. My lovely little blog here is almost a year old, and having realized that I went back through the other night and reread what I'd said up to this point. And I came to a conclusion, I still have no idea where I'm going with this. I've written about a myriad of topics, from love, to heart break, travel to loss. I've written about writing and thinking, fighting and laughing. But I still don't know where I'm going.
I've been writing this post for near on a week now, unsure what to say or do. Always looking for the inspiration that's right around the corner just out of reach. So I read, other blogs to be precise. Just to see what they do or where they go. I read a friends fashion blog, a lovers empty blog, a friends emptier blog, and of course the blog that got me started on this whole crazy adventure of writing to a crowd, and many, many, others. And the conclusion that I reached this morning as the bread bakes and I have time to kill? The very best blogs ramble on, they relate to your life because they're mundane while seeing the magic underneath it all. They're exciting because that same stuff happens to you. And they're helpful because every once in a while it's fun to make thermite.
I don't know where my blog is headed, and perhaps I'll never know, but I can't wait to see where it takes me, and I've started to wonder this morning if perhaps that's because Dumbledore was wrong. Perhaps dwelling on dreams is what makes things magical, or keeps hope alive, the hope that a relative will make it through cancer or the simple hope that your blog has some purpose in this world even if you don't know what it is. Because we never know who's reading this. The boy in New York who stumbled upon one of my countless articles about love and realized the girl in chemistry is worth fighting for. Or the girl in California who reads just to see what's going on in my life. And finally the girl in Oregon who's partially inspired to continue writing and to hell if her blog rambles too.
I've changed they're lives for better or worse simply by eccentrically rambling when I get the chance and so has every other rambling blog out there. So I'm gonna keep writing as long as you keep reading because who knows when my ramblings will take us some place cool? I know I eagerly await new posts from you guys for the same reason (some of you a little longer than others). So here's to another year of rambling, and hopefully the same from all of you. Let's keep one little corner of the blogosphere wonderfully random, shall we?
I've been writing this post for near on a week now, unsure what to say or do. Always looking for the inspiration that's right around the corner just out of reach. So I read, other blogs to be precise. Just to see what they do or where they go. I read a friends fashion blog, a lovers empty blog, a friends emptier blog, and of course the blog that got me started on this whole crazy adventure of writing to a crowd, and many, many, others. And the conclusion that I reached this morning as the bread bakes and I have time to kill? The very best blogs ramble on, they relate to your life because they're mundane while seeing the magic underneath it all. They're exciting because that same stuff happens to you. And they're helpful because every once in a while it's fun to make thermite.
I don't know where my blog is headed, and perhaps I'll never know, but I can't wait to see where it takes me, and I've started to wonder this morning if perhaps that's because Dumbledore was wrong. Perhaps dwelling on dreams is what makes things magical, or keeps hope alive, the hope that a relative will make it through cancer or the simple hope that your blog has some purpose in this world even if you don't know what it is. Because we never know who's reading this. The boy in New York who stumbled upon one of my countless articles about love and realized the girl in chemistry is worth fighting for. Or the girl in California who reads just to see what's going on in my life. And finally the girl in Oregon who's partially inspired to continue writing and to hell if her blog rambles too.
I've changed they're lives for better or worse simply by eccentrically rambling when I get the chance and so has every other rambling blog out there. So I'm gonna keep writing as long as you keep reading because who knows when my ramblings will take us some place cool? I know I eagerly await new posts from you guys for the same reason (some of you a little longer than others). So here's to another year of rambling, and hopefully the same from all of you. Let's keep one little corner of the blogosphere wonderfully random, shall we?
Friday, July 8, 2011
Love, or Something Akin to It
Hey You,
It's been awhile, since I've blogged, and since we've talked. So that's why I'm writing this. Might as well kill two birds with one stone as the say. but anyway to the meat of the subject: ME! oh... yes.... and you as well haha.
You once made the mistake, like so many before you, of believing I was perfect, or, well put together I believe your words were. But I'm not, far from it in fact. You see my well dressed facade, the collar, and the perfectly tied tie. You hear the English mannerisms in my speech, and the refined vocabulary. But you don't see, because I don't want you to. You don't see the boy underneath, the shattered personality at times so consumed by his OCD he spends an hour or more tying that tie. You don't see the fear that fills my heart and stomach when I see you or talk to you, because I think you're beautiful.
Look closely at my face and you'll see the spot I missed shaving because I slept in too late, and later that day ask me what I'm thinking, and I'll tell you something sweet and charming but what I'm really thinking? "Gah! The spot I missed is so obvious I'm sure she see's it, I know this will drive her away." You see the perfect posture, slightly out turned feet to prevent slouching. Elbows off the table when I'm eating. What you miss though is far less refined; I trip up and down stairs daily, I'm I'm so klutzy you'd think I went out of the way to trip over my cat in the morning. I walk into doors walls, and people, almost daily, usually because I'm lost too deep in my own thought about something plaguing me.
My point is love, I'm just as terrified as you were, I've just become adapt at hiding it. (for the most part anyway.)
I leave you with my final thought on this topic for now though:
A wise high school friend of mine once called me: "A bloody serial monogamist!" (truth time, several people have actually said this to me, her's stuck with me though because she slapped me to get the point across.) And while yes, I do so enjoy having one person to dote upon and be with, lately, it's become less of a worry to me. That's not to say that if we we're to go on a date that I would turn around and ask out the very next girl I see after I drop you off at home. It simply means that you're not ready for a relationship and as you can clearly see from above, and considering all that's happened, neither am I. All I want is a friend who's maybe a little more, someone fun, and smart, who isn't going to cause me a heart attack from worry. NOT to sell you short of course! I just don't want to be a serial monogamist right now. I bumbled that up didn't I? Well I'm hoping you understand what I'm trying to get across, I'm fairly certain you will.
Many people are going to read this, a few, will know it's about them, but it isn't, it's about you. I'd give you a hint but, you're an awfully smart girl and 'm sure you'll know it's actually you, and...... well. You know how I do so enjoy keeping you guessing.
I'm afraid though I really must be off, I've some cheesecake cookies in the oven that are about to burn, and I think I've finally perfected that damn recipe.
Adieu for now my dear.
Sincerely,
A Thief of Love
It's been awhile, since I've blogged, and since we've talked. So that's why I'm writing this. Might as well kill two birds with one stone as the say. but anyway to the meat of the subject: ME! oh... yes.... and you as well haha.
You once made the mistake, like so many before you, of believing I was perfect, or, well put together I believe your words were. But I'm not, far from it in fact. You see my well dressed facade, the collar, and the perfectly tied tie. You hear the English mannerisms in my speech, and the refined vocabulary. But you don't see, because I don't want you to. You don't see the boy underneath, the shattered personality at times so consumed by his OCD he spends an hour or more tying that tie. You don't see the fear that fills my heart and stomach when I see you or talk to you, because I think you're beautiful.
Look closely at my face and you'll see the spot I missed shaving because I slept in too late, and later that day ask me what I'm thinking, and I'll tell you something sweet and charming but what I'm really thinking? "Gah! The spot I missed is so obvious I'm sure she see's it, I know this will drive her away." You see the perfect posture, slightly out turned feet to prevent slouching. Elbows off the table when I'm eating. What you miss though is far less refined; I trip up and down stairs daily, I'm I'm so klutzy you'd think I went out of the way to trip over my cat in the morning. I walk into doors walls, and people, almost daily, usually because I'm lost too deep in my own thought about something plaguing me.
My point is love, I'm just as terrified as you were, I've just become adapt at hiding it. (for the most part anyway.)
I leave you with my final thought on this topic for now though:
A wise high school friend of mine once called me: "A bloody serial monogamist!" (truth time, several people have actually said this to me, her's stuck with me though because she slapped me to get the point across.) And while yes, I do so enjoy having one person to dote upon and be with, lately, it's become less of a worry to me. That's not to say that if we we're to go on a date that I would turn around and ask out the very next girl I see after I drop you off at home. It simply means that you're not ready for a relationship and as you can clearly see from above, and considering all that's happened, neither am I. All I want is a friend who's maybe a little more, someone fun, and smart, who isn't going to cause me a heart attack from worry. NOT to sell you short of course! I just don't want to be a serial monogamist right now. I bumbled that up didn't I? Well I'm hoping you understand what I'm trying to get across, I'm fairly certain you will.
Many people are going to read this, a few, will know it's about them, but it isn't, it's about you. I'd give you a hint but, you're an awfully smart girl and 'm sure you'll know it's actually you, and...... well. You know how I do so enjoy keeping you guessing.
I'm afraid though I really must be off, I've some cheesecake cookies in the oven that are about to burn, and I think I've finally perfected that damn recipe.
Adieu for now my dear.
Sincerely,
A Thief of Love
Sunday, June 5, 2011
You! (Part 3)
Yes you, in those clothes.
This one's for you.
Here's the truth, I like you, well I like almost everyone, but I might like like you. Why? Well I haven't the foggiest idea. Perhaps it's because you drive me crazy, I have a habit of falling for the people who drive me crazy, call me a masochist. But that's beside the point, but as long as we're on the topic I might as well expand a little bit.
You and I (if you haven't noticed) are uniquely similar, yet at the same time we can be exact polar opposites, like Doctor Jeykll and Mr. Hyde. So similar and yet so different. But I like it! I do, it keeps me on my toes, like a kitten or a wild tiger. You always keep me wondering what's going to happen next, like a puzzle. I appreciate the challenge dear, I enjoy the puzzle. As mad as you make me, as completely and utterly crazy your actions sometime's seem to be, I relish the chance to talk, to find one more puzzle piece and in so doing uncover three more.
And I must admit I'm so glad we started talking again lately. But on top of that.... well I'm also rather confused as to where we stand. Of course, I suppose I should know where I'd like us to stand, and frankly my dear I haven't the foggiest idea.
But I've gone off on a tangent again haven't I? I do that a lot, my mind tends to be about three ideas ahead so I'm afraid things get a little jumbled sometimes.
My point is, dear. I like you plain and simple. As a friend, as a challenge, in time perhaps as more than a friend. Other people are going to read this and think it's about them but it isn't, it's about you. I think you'll read this, I hope you'll read this, because I want you to know.
Now you know.
Always,
Sam
This one's for you.
Here's the truth, I like you, well I like almost everyone, but I might like like you. Why? Well I haven't the foggiest idea. Perhaps it's because you drive me crazy, I have a habit of falling for the people who drive me crazy, call me a masochist. But that's beside the point, but as long as we're on the topic I might as well expand a little bit.
You and I (if you haven't noticed) are uniquely similar, yet at the same time we can be exact polar opposites, like Doctor Jeykll and Mr. Hyde. So similar and yet so different. But I like it! I do, it keeps me on my toes, like a kitten or a wild tiger. You always keep me wondering what's going to happen next, like a puzzle. I appreciate the challenge dear, I enjoy the puzzle. As mad as you make me, as completely and utterly crazy your actions sometime's seem to be, I relish the chance to talk, to find one more puzzle piece and in so doing uncover three more.
And I must admit I'm so glad we started talking again lately. But on top of that.... well I'm also rather confused as to where we stand. Of course, I suppose I should know where I'd like us to stand, and frankly my dear I haven't the foggiest idea.
But I've gone off on a tangent again haven't I? I do that a lot, my mind tends to be about three ideas ahead so I'm afraid things get a little jumbled sometimes.
My point is, dear. I like you plain and simple. As a friend, as a challenge, in time perhaps as more than a friend. Other people are going to read this and think it's about them but it isn't, it's about you. I think you'll read this, I hope you'll read this, because I want you to know.
Now you know.
Always,
Sam
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Life 201
I can't help but thinking there should be a class taught about life. How many subtle little tips or tricks do we not know simple because we haven't bothered to ask? If there were a class though we'd learn so much more and it would be so much easier, and of course we'd have Life 95 and what not for people who need a lot more help.
*Attention Readers*
This is the important part
See? If there were a class on life you could recognize warnings like that without needing them, kinda like *caution contents of coffee cup may be hot* and skip over the whole first paragraph rant about teaching life as a class. Now here comes the important part:
What would you learn in life 201?
To be honest I haven't the foggiest, but! I have some ideas such as:
*Learning to play an instrument. I think everyone should know how to play at least one instrument, it's an incredibly useful talent to have.
* Courtesy. Not enough people in the world today know how to be courteous any more. It's quite sad really.
-courtesy driving big one? You know that little lever on your steering wheel that isn't your windshield wipers? Yeah that's called a turn signal it was invented and put in place for a good reason, use it.
-Also you know that other amazing feature of that lever? When you pull it back it turns your brights on and off! Cool huh?!
*Whatever TV tells you and isn't on the History Channel, Discovery Channel, Food Network or some similar channel is probably wrong or at least not completely right, don't try to do it.
*Don't burn books or ban them. Just because Harry Potter doing magic doesn't jive with your particular religion doesn't mean you should go on a fanatical crusade to ban it from the library. It's a book, not an instructional manual. Despite what you think there are other people in the world who don't follow your religion and might enjoy reading the Chronicles of Narnia (P.S. Just as an aside for all you Harry Potter haters out there, you should try reading the His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman it's about killing God. :)
*Learn to cook Give a a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to cook and he can win over any womans heart. (Just change out the sex for you ladies it works on the men too.)
*Please, thank you and excuse me. I know these technically go under courtesy but honestly I think they kind of need their own section.
*Read. At least one book a month I should think. It helps to keep the mind sharp and also gives you a chance to unwind for awhile.
*At night, turn off your electronics. This is one I'm particularly bad about, I'm always afraid if I turn off my phone I'll miss an important call or if I turn off my computer I won't be able to sleep without my music. But guess what? Chances are if it's night time, that person calling you expected you to be asleep and the music you're listening to on your computer? It's probably making your sleep rougher.
Write. At least once a day, in a journal about the book your reading this month to your local newspaper or favorite magazine. Or even better yet.......
*Send a letter through the regular mail! I know with the advent of email and it's speed snail mail has fallen by the wayside, and while yes it does feel good to get an email from someone you care about. Nothing, I repeat nothing beats the rush you get when a loved one writes you an actual letter. It shows you really care when you take the time to sit down and write out someone a personal letter rather than an impersonal email.
*Say I love you at least once a day. It'll make you feel better trust me. Keeping those feelings bottled up inside is a very bad idea. I know.
*And finally don't be afraid to try new things. In fact as I write this I'm preparing to go down to the new sushi restaurant and try it out for the my article in the newspaper and I hate sushi.
I'm sure I missed some things, but hey most teachers do when they teach a class. All I can hope is that I've enlightened you a little bit on the topics I think most people should pay attention to. And if you think I made a glaring omission then add it. I'd love to here others opinions on what should be taught in the new class: Life 201.
*Attention Readers*
This is the important part
See? If there were a class on life you could recognize warnings like that without needing them, kinda like *caution contents of coffee cup may be hot* and skip over the whole first paragraph rant about teaching life as a class. Now here comes the important part:
What would you learn in life 201?
To be honest I haven't the foggiest, but! I have some ideas such as:
*Learning to play an instrument. I think everyone should know how to play at least one instrument, it's an incredibly useful talent to have.
* Courtesy. Not enough people in the world today know how to be courteous any more. It's quite sad really.
-courtesy driving big one? You know that little lever on your steering wheel that isn't your windshield wipers? Yeah that's called a turn signal it was invented and put in place for a good reason, use it.
-Also you know that other amazing feature of that lever? When you pull it back it turns your brights on and off! Cool huh?!
*Whatever TV tells you and isn't on the History Channel, Discovery Channel, Food Network or some similar channel is probably wrong or at least not completely right, don't try to do it.
*Don't burn books or ban them. Just because Harry Potter doing magic doesn't jive with your particular religion doesn't mean you should go on a fanatical crusade to ban it from the library. It's a book, not an instructional manual. Despite what you think there are other people in the world who don't follow your religion and might enjoy reading the Chronicles of Narnia (P.S. Just as an aside for all you Harry Potter haters out there, you should try reading the His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman it's about killing God. :)
*Learn to cook Give a a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to cook and he can win over any womans heart. (Just change out the sex for you ladies it works on the men too.)
*Please, thank you and excuse me. I know these technically go under courtesy but honestly I think they kind of need their own section.
*Read. At least one book a month I should think. It helps to keep the mind sharp and also gives you a chance to unwind for awhile.
*At night, turn off your electronics. This is one I'm particularly bad about, I'm always afraid if I turn off my phone I'll miss an important call or if I turn off my computer I won't be able to sleep without my music. But guess what? Chances are if it's night time, that person calling you expected you to be asleep and the music you're listening to on your computer? It's probably making your sleep rougher.
Write. At least once a day, in a journal about the book your reading this month to your local newspaper or favorite magazine. Or even better yet.......
*Send a letter through the regular mail! I know with the advent of email and it's speed snail mail has fallen by the wayside, and while yes it does feel good to get an email from someone you care about. Nothing, I repeat nothing beats the rush you get when a loved one writes you an actual letter. It shows you really care when you take the time to sit down and write out someone a personal letter rather than an impersonal email.
*Say I love you at least once a day. It'll make you feel better trust me. Keeping those feelings bottled up inside is a very bad idea. I know.
*And finally don't be afraid to try new things. In fact as I write this I'm preparing to go down to the new sushi restaurant and try it out for the my article in the newspaper and I hate sushi.
I'm sure I missed some things, but hey most teachers do when they teach a class. All I can hope is that I've enlightened you a little bit on the topics I think most people should pay attention to. And if you think I made a glaring omission then add it. I'd love to here others opinions on what should be taught in the new class: Life 201.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Great Scott!
It's been quite sometime since I've written hasn't it? However in my defense I've been rather busy as of late what with twenty-eight credits and all that. (Including a writing class in which I'm doing a comparison paper between the Original Doctor Who series and the revamped one. Long story short? I watch Doctor Who for homework. Greatest paper ever? I think so.)
Anyway! To the point yeah? My last post, gosh basically a month ago, was wonderful idea i.e. the letter I'll never write to you. So I've been thinking a lot about other people I'd write letters to but never actually send, so I thought I'd do (at least) one more. :)
I loved you.
Or rather I was infatuated by you, but to a teenager they pretty much mean the exact same thing. I know that you already know that part and so I don't I need to go into more detail. What you might not know is this: there well always be a special place in my heart for you. I will always feel that love for you, and I will, at times, regret that we couldn't be more. However, my love for you has been turned towards our friendship now, I "love" our friendship. I love when we spend time together and I no longer think of you as an object of desire but rather a person of affection. You are like a sibling to me and I wouldn't want that to change ever again.
My point is, I want to always be here for you. But as a friend a shoulder to cry on when things get tough, and a person who will be by your side no matter what happens. I will always be here for you love, that isn't going to change. You've no idea how much you mean to me. And you've helped me without even realizing through one of the hardest periods in my life. Thank you.
Anyway! To the point yeah? My last post, gosh basically a month ago, was wonderful idea i.e. the letter I'll never write to you. So I've been thinking a lot about other people I'd write letters to but never actually send, so I thought I'd do (at least) one more. :)
I loved you.
Or rather I was infatuated by you, but to a teenager they pretty much mean the exact same thing. I know that you already know that part and so I don't I need to go into more detail. What you might not know is this: there well always be a special place in my heart for you. I will always feel that love for you, and I will, at times, regret that we couldn't be more. However, my love for you has been turned towards our friendship now, I "love" our friendship. I love when we spend time together and I no longer think of you as an object of desire but rather a person of affection. You are like a sibling to me and I wouldn't want that to change ever again.
My point is, I want to always be here for you. But as a friend a shoulder to cry on when things get tough, and a person who will be by your side no matter what happens. I will always be here for you love, that isn't going to change. You've no idea how much you mean to me. And you've helped me without even realizing through one of the hardest periods in my life. Thank you.
Friday, March 18, 2011
YOU.
Yes, you. I am writing this for you.
I know you are reading this. And I want you to know I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think that this is for them. But it’s not. I am writing this for you.
I want you to know, life…it’s hard. Every day can be a challenge. It can be a challenge to get up in the morning. To get yourself out of bed. To put on that smile. But I want you to know, that smile is what keeps me going almost every day. You just need to remember, even through the tough times, you are amazing, and wonderful. You really, truly are.
You should be happy. You are the most beautiful person I have ever met.
I know that the weather might not be perfect. You might have to turn your back to the wind or feel the cold nipping at your nose. But you know what, at least you are there to feel it. At least you can enjoy the sun’s warm rays on your face. Or that cold February wind biting at your cheeks. You know what that means?
You are alive.
And I am always thinking of you.
Everything will be okay.
I know you are reading this. And I want you to know I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think that this is for them. But it’s not. I am writing this for you.
I want you to know, life…it’s hard. Every day can be a challenge. It can be a challenge to get up in the morning. To get yourself out of bed. To put on that smile. But I want you to know, that smile is what keeps me going almost every day. You just need to remember, even through the tough times, you are amazing, and wonderful. You really, truly are.
You should be happy. You are the most beautiful person I have ever met.
I know that the weather might not be perfect. You might have to turn your back to the wind or feel the cold nipping at your nose. But you know what, at least you are there to feel it. At least you can enjoy the sun’s warm rays on your face. Or that cold February wind biting at your cheeks. You know what that means?
You are alive.
And I am always thinking of you.
Everything will be okay.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
The 100 plus rules I will live by if and when I become a Super Villain
Because the status is not qou. The world's a mess and I just need to rule it......
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, This Cannot Be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
101. If the love of my life whom I met at the laundromat falls for the hero she will immediately be put to death rather then allowed to live so that I might woo her with my evil plot. Attractive girls are a dime a dozen actually enjoying the defeat of my enemy is priceless.
102. I don't care how swishy, or cool, or comfortable they are. My Evil Costume will never consist of capes, robes, scarves, or any other object that hangs from the body. They can and will get in the way at the most inconvenient times. All outfits will be somewhat form fitting and comfortable. Like jeans. Or a black three piece suit. Nothing suits me like a suit. :)
103. I will never, ever let a fat, easily manipulated man, sitting at an outdated computer have complete control of my dinosaur Island theme park. Also all systems for containment will have redundancies and secondary systems in-place in case of power loss, storm, specimen release, or fat, easily manipulated men who think they have control, take over the park.
104. I will not send my incompetent minions to kill the son of my rival whom I just killed with a stamped. If you want it done right you have to do it yourself. It also limits the chances that he'll come back when he's older and push me in a fire and/or feed me to the afore mentioned minions.
105. When the hero says something along the lines of: "The genie has more power than you'll ever have! Face it you're still just second rate." I will not reply with some evily phrased thing about changing that then make my third wish that the genie turn me into a genie. The genie is my slave, therefore I have more power than he does because I own him.
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, This Cannot Be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
101. If the love of my life whom I met at the laundromat falls for the hero she will immediately be put to death rather then allowed to live so that I might woo her with my evil plot. Attractive girls are a dime a dozen actually enjoying the defeat of my enemy is priceless.
102. I don't care how swishy, or cool, or comfortable they are. My Evil Costume will never consist of capes, robes, scarves, or any other object that hangs from the body. They can and will get in the way at the most inconvenient times. All outfits will be somewhat form fitting and comfortable. Like jeans. Or a black three piece suit. Nothing suits me like a suit. :)
103. I will never, ever let a fat, easily manipulated man, sitting at an outdated computer have complete control of my dinosaur Island theme park. Also all systems for containment will have redundancies and secondary systems in-place in case of power loss, storm, specimen release, or fat, easily manipulated men who think they have control, take over the park.
104. I will not send my incompetent minions to kill the son of my rival whom I just killed with a stamped. If you want it done right you have to do it yourself. It also limits the chances that he'll come back when he's older and push me in a fire and/or feed me to the afore mentioned minions.
105. When the hero says something along the lines of: "The genie has more power than you'll ever have! Face it you're still just second rate." I will not reply with some evily phrased thing about changing that then make my third wish that the genie turn me into a genie. The genie is my slave, therefore I have more power than he does because I own him.
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