Ordo ab Chao

Order out of chaos.

An intriguing phrase is it not? As I've mentioned before I'm the type of person that needs order. Is it because I have OCD? Probably. Whatever the reason may be though I still need order, I need control, simply put: I need a plan.

Sometimes though the unthinkable happens and events transpire that aren't according to plan and instead of order from chaos, the opposite happens. The question then becomes where does that leave us? Without a plan, and without knowledge of what to do next. As a hopeless romantic I'm often put in a position where I make ridiculous promises knowing full well the effort required to keep them, and would you like to know what i'm asked the most when I make these promises?

HOW DO YOU KNOW? 

How do you know such and such an event is going to transpire? How do you know something won't happen out of the chaos of the world that will destroy your perfect little ordered plan?  And put quite simply I don't know, but here's the kicker: that isn't important. Why? Because there are certain things I do know, I do know that I love. I also know that all you need is love (Thank Mr. Lennon.) I do know that whatever happens in this crazy, chaotic, world I'll always be able to make order out of chaos, it's what I do best. Lastly, I know I'm flying blind right now, no compass, no chart, no Northern Star to point my way. And I've realized something, while lying sick in bed for the past few days.....

I'm never going to stop making plans, I'm never going to stop turning chaos into order and vice versa when my plans fail. But the very last thing that I do know is this: No matter what happens, no matter how badly my plans may or may not fail, I can always adapt them, and myself to fit the current and ever changing situation. And that, dear friends leads to one simple, eloquent, undeniable truth:

Whatever ridiculous promise, or plan I may make, I'll keep. Because even if it changes, the first promise I made was a building block for the promise that came true, it just changed shape to fit the environment it found itself in. And to me, well, that is a comforting thought.

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

Scene My Bedroom it's 2:30 am a black and white cat sleeps at the foot of the bed. Pan up to me, wide awake.

I do my best thinking at night. Why? Because when you're an insomniac like I am you have a lot of time at night to think. I also watch a lot of movies, lately I've watched RENT several times. It's an amazing movie with a wonderful message. If you haven't seen it I would suggest you go out and RENT (couldn't resist) it sometime.

Now my favorite song in the movie (apart from Seasons of Love) is I Should Tell You, anyway this song started me thinking tonight, over the past few weeks I've had several friends ask me for my opinion on this issue with a relationship or another. Long story short my ultimate answer was "Just tell them how you feel, yeah they could say no, but they'll never say yes if you don't give them the chance." As I've mentioned before in We Were Both Young When I First Saw You I've always been that guy who sat back in the cafeteria looking at the pretty girl in line and thinking "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll get up the courage to ask her out." You want to know a funny thing about tomorrow? It never, ever comes, because when it gets here it's today. So there I sat, quietly liking her but being to afraid to do anything. (Although, in my defense I did get up the courage to ask whatever girl I happened to like at the time to dance so I guess Courage .5 Cowardice 1. ACTUALLY, I even managed to ask a girl I really liked to homecoming once so I think it's tied up.)

I should tell you, I should tell you.
I should tell you I love you.
I should tell you I miss you.
I should tell you I hi.
I should tell you I want to reconnect.
I should tell you.
I should tell you how I feel about you.
I should tell you I hated you once.
I should tell you I'm sorry.
I should tell you good bye.
I should tell you I wish we never stopped.

So here it is: I'm gonna try to tell people how I really feel about them from now on. We only have one life to live. I ask you now, why should I hide? I make no promises about telling you right away but I will. I may need a little prodding, a gentle shove in the proper direction. Hopefully though, eventually I'll be able to do it without help. Until that point if you'd like to know ask, if not, will okay then. :)

Serenity

It's been a while since I last wrote and, to be quite honest, I haven't had any desire to do so. So very much has changed. I'm the kind of person who always has to have a plan, why? Because plans make me feel like I'm in control of what's going on. Believe me when I say I know that God is the one with the real plan but still.

I'm lost, and I don't mean geographically, I'm always lost that way. 

I'm lost in as much as I don't know what to do next. I'm so used to having a plan, to knowing exactly what I want to happen. I'm so used to having everything fall neatly in to place just as I PLANED, it would. But as they say, no battle plan survives contact with the enemy. 

Yet I can't get over the simple fact that it didn't work. Why didn't it work? It almost always works, everything I do has a purpose, a reason. Like a clearly thought out game of chess, I know what my opponent will do, has done, and is thinking of doing. But now it's like they changed the game, right in the middle, like, we went from playing Chess to playing Chutes and Ladders, and I fell down the chute.

So now I'm lost, an unsuccessful plan, a strange new place, and always the over arching thought, "Why didn't it work?" And of course I can't lay the blame on outside influences, unexpected moves from a player who knew more about the game than anticipated. No, my nature is to wonder what I did wrong? How did I mess up the plan? What move did I skip? 

And no matter how much I try to tell myself, "It's not your fault. Even the best laid plans can be undone by one loose string. One variable unaccounted for in the formula. I still can't help but blame myself. In my heart I know it wasn't my fault, but sometimes logic takes over. So now I'm lost, do I choose to lay a new plan? Or do I try for once to do things with out a plan? Do I forget logic for a time and listen to my heart? I don't know what to do, and whether I lay a new plan or follow my heart, remains to be seen. I know however, no matter which path I choose things can't be the same, I won't be able to go back to a point were I can re-use the old plan, I must make a new one or forgo it altogether.


I know this sounds ridiculous and vain, but the truth of the matter is, yes, I'm a hopeless romantic, but this. The logical, cold calculating approach is how I think. Funny isn't it? One of the biggest hopeless romantics in the world and I choose to express myself this way. But for me, science is something I've always keenly understood, and no matter how complicated my life got, I could always lose myself so easily in a Chemistry conundrum. And perhaps that's what I need to do now. But for the first time, God am I having more issues than normal when it comes to not thinking about it over, and over again. Honestly, I just wish God would give me some insight into his plan, then at least I could figure out what my next move is gonna be.  

We Were Both Young When I First Saw You

My mind is racing, my heart is pounding. It's true what they say about long distance relationships, how they're crazy and stupid, and psychotic, and frankly just plain hard. The truth of the matter is I love her with all my heart she means so very much to me. To be honest though, I'm afraid I might lose her and the rational side of me is screaming at the top of its little voice "Let. The. Fraction. Go!" (my rational side likes math humor) But we all know deep down inside I'm not only an optimist but a hopeless romantic (a pain in the butt combination, trust me.) so my heart is screaming at me in an even louder voice.

HOLD ON IDIOT!!!!!!!


(my heart prefers to get straight to the point.) 


And honestly I'm probably gonna listen to my heart, because that's what I do I always ignore my head and listen to my heart, and I usually end up regretting it. But, I don't know for the first time in my life I've truly found someone worth fighting for, and I may be scrawny, and weak, but right now at least I'm gonna fight tooth and nail because that's what I do. I'm tired of being the boy who's too nice to date I'm tired of pining  after someone for ages only to see them go out with someone when I finally get up the courage to tell them how I feel.


So no moar. 


I've always been able to give great advice on relationships, I've always dreamed of all the things I would do for a girl, and whether because she didn't like me or we both made mistakes or were just to nerdy and nervous to do what needed to be done. I've never really been able to do those things. Now I finally have a relationship where I can and have done them, and it turns out that I like doing them! (I know duh! Right?) Point is I want to keep doing them forever.

I know some of you will read this and not understand, some of you will read it and sympathize or not I don't care. SUFFICE it to say I am happy to be here with her, and I am happy with her, the long distance thing has just killed us. But I plan on continuing to be happy with her, and who knows maybe I'm completely wrong and I'm just running down a hill that ends in heart break, but Damnit Jim! I'm a hopeless romantic not logical. (I have a dirty secret: I've been waiting forever to work in a Star Trek reference into my blog.)  I can't just stopping being an optimistic, hopeless romantic, it's who I am and has defined pretty much every choice I've ever made in life.

So this is the new me, my new years resolutions, it's like in the old movies a guy see's a girl across a crowded room and he turns to his friend and say "I'm gonna marry that girl one day." Well this is me saying it, nay this is me screaming it, I'm in love with Laura Fae Sgro, and I sure as Hell am not gonna go down without a fight.

P.S. I'm sorry about the rational joke too. What can I say? Math humor makes me chuckle.

P.P.S. I noticed in retrospect that this seems kind of mopey but it isn't supposed to be. It's supposed to be kind of determined, or resolute?

P.P.P.S. Resolute is a great word I don't use it often enough. And if you're having trouble reading as such, hum Eye of The Tiger or some similar, motivational-y song, it helps.

Love and Coffee

Blogging in a coffee shop. Hrmmm this is a new one for me, actually though it’s kind of fun. Laura’s currently at work (I know, I know. Who works when their boyfriend is coming to visit?!) but I digress, so I’m stuck in a coffee shop for the next four hours. I figured I might as well do something productive and I thought “Hey coffee shop and blogging go hand and hand.” So here I am writing a blog about who knows what (As soon as I find out where I‘m going with this post I’ll tell you promise) drinking a mocha latte.

Lightbulb.

It’s almost Valentine’s Day and here’s the kicker: I. Hate. Greatly dislike. Valentine’s Day. Why? Because it’s a stupid pointless holiday. I know as a hopeless romantic it should be illegal for me to hate the one holiday of the year all about hopeless romanticism but see that’s the issue for me. I really don’t think that people should take one day out of the year to do clichéd cheesy things for the person they love. If you truly love someone then doesn’t it make more sense to do spontaneous romantic things everyday? (with in financial and reasonable limits of course.) Now I’m not saying that we should completely ignore Valentine’s Day, it is after all expected of us to do big romantic things.But here it goes, I hope you’re ready for this because I have a crazy idea: what if….. we stop expecting big romantic things one day out of the year and try and show our love every single day?

It doesn’t have to be anything big, send flowers because it’s Tuesday or make a moose named Herbert at Build-a-Bear just because it’s a Thursday. Write a letter because it’s Sunday. Or if you don’t/can’t spend money listen about their day. It’s not at all hard to do the unexpected every day whether big or small expensive or not your partner will always appreciate when you show them you care.

So here’s the start of a new tradition, no more Happy Valentine’s Day, I’d rather wish you a happy everyday of the year. Now get up and go show your love you care, or if you’re single, talk to that girl at the coffee shop, or the cute boy at the movie theater. Although they could say no, if you don’t give them the chance they’ll never say yes either. 

I Wouldn't Bring Up Paris if I Were You, It's Poor Salesmanship.

I LOVE ADVENTURE. Any trip big or small can be turned into an adventure. Now you may think that’s a ridiculous statement, after all how much adventure can be had driving to the grocery store and back to pick up milk? Well my answer to you is this:  next time you drive to the store blast something epic (my go to adventure song? The Horrible Credits from Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog) If you don’t know it Google it. That song can turn anything in to an adventure of epic proportions. Anyway, so here I am on a train, truth be told first time I’ve ever ridden a train. And I am having the most fun I have ever had on a trip!

I couldn’t tell you what it is exactly perhaps the romance of trains or their long storied history. Whatever it happens to be here I am on a twenty plus hour train ride grinning like a fool the whole time. Admittedly there is very little to do but it’s still just plain fun. For instance, I’m sitting here blogging which is something I do enjoy anyway but on the train? It’s like three hundred times cooler! Perhaps it’s the mystery of it, I know I’m writing in a little blog that few people read but the passengers around me don’t know that. For all they know I’m writing secret government documents or the script for the next big blockbuster.

I suppose the other great part of the train is the scenery rushing by and the train car I’m in right now. See I am currently in the lounge which is a completely refurbished early forty’s era train car, you want to talk about the romanticism of trains I feel wrong not typing this on a typewriter! Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to get to my ultimate destination, but I think I’m going to be traveling by train a lot more often now. Seriously, if you haven’t done it you should. Take a break from life next time you get a chance and hop aboard a train somewhere see if you feel the excitement and rush. 

Did You Sail Across The Sun?

I haven't paid much attention to my blog as I should. I get so caught up in work and school that I forget it's even here. The funny thing is I write in two journals every night and spend most of my day thinking about how I would write about the things I see if I had to. Recently a friend, Heidi who writes a lovely little blog entitled Bartlebee's Bumblings was teasing me about not writing in my blog, she had some lovely things to say about the few entries that I have made and it has made me realize that I aught to take a little time out of my day to sit and reflect in my blog as well as my journals, after all it's the little things that catch us by surprise so why should I only write when the big things happen?

The truth of the matter is I love writing. Every time I sit down to write something my heart soars and I always feel so much better. My computer is full of stories and poems and random things I've written. So I've decided, since I still have no idea where this blog is going (other than a fast ticket to random) that perhaps from time to time I'll post some of my writings, and of course I still muse about things big and small. Love given and received. So I say to you, my dear followers are you willing to take a journey with me while my blog rambles on and perhaps discover when we reach our destination whatever it maybe the beautiful, magical, things we've seen along the way? Because for me, a journey isn't about the destination, but the oh so wonderful adventures you have along the way.