Out of The Blue

Hey you,

It's been awhile. I just wanted to write you and let you know I'm doing better. Not great, but better and that's a start I suppose. I won't say I'm happy without you because that's a lie, but I'm beginning to see that maybe it's better this way. I don't know for sure but I think it might be. At the end of the day all I wanted was for you to be happy with or without me I don't care, but happy nonetheless.

I miss you of course that goes without saying, you meant the world to me and that isn't something that's just going to go away. There will always be that part of me that hangs on. The little voice that screams at me for trying to let go. But to Hell with that voice. I know you no longer care for me as you used to and though I won't pretend to understand how the feelings you had for me can just disappear as they did, I'm not going to try and force you to have them again.

I loved you my dear.

Time for me to buck up though. It's silly to let you control, my life as you have till now. So I'm moving on. I hope one day you and I can be friends again but if not that's okay too. Truth be told I know from experience were we to talk again those feelings would come back. And they'd be awfully hard to hold back. If we ever talk again I'll let you know if that's a good or bad thing. Anyway I should think it's time for our goodbyes my love, it's better this way in a sense. I truly do hope you have a happy life. I know you'll accomplish so much with it.

Goodbye.

An Oxford Comma

It's been awhile I know, I've never been very good at these things I always forget they exist I'm afraid. And I hate to admit this but this one is also going to be rather short. A lot has gone on in my life over the past few months but I'll spare you the details. I feel I should make it clear that this post will serve a number of purposes,  it will be an update, a Tuesday letter, and a promise, one I will hopefully be able to keep.

As far as the promise is concerned I shall make it now: I won't promise to write here more often but I will certainly try. What I will promise is this: as I've mentioned before I do consider myself a bit of an amateur writer; and so I have decided, given recent events to take up a task I've have flirted around for years, I'm going to write my book. I will of course attempt to keep you updated, and perhaps from time to time even post snippets of it as I finish them but as I said I can make no promise of doing it regularly. So, wish me luck dear readers on this endeavor and we'll see just where I end up with it.

Now we've covered the update, and the promise, so I guess all that's left is the letter. It's simple, and short, and holds so very, very, true:

I miss you. 

So There's This Girl...

     That's right ladies and gentlemen the perpetual hopeless romantic has a girlfriend. (crazy, I know.) But anyway; I realize that I am long, long, long long, long over due for a post and I figured that now would be as good a time as any to give you the low down on this pretty awesome girl.

     I'd like to be all clever and open this post with some cliched thing about waking up like any other day only this time I'm waking up next to her but I'm afraid that's already been taken. So here's how I'll start this ramble:

Every so often when I'm talking to her or, looking at her she gives me this look. I wish I could explain it so you could understand but I can't, suffice it to say it always starts me wondering, what is she thinking? And I confess there are a great many times I'd love to know what's going through her mind. She's such an enigma to me at times and it drives me crazy. I know she doesn't do it on purpose. She's been hurt a lot in the past this wonderful, amazing girl. ( which whole other topic but in short to all the douche bags who hurt her/ let her go: you're idiots, but I'm glad you are cause I got her because of your stupidity. [oh and additional side note: you're all jack asses, so there's that. Sorry in advance if I punch if ever presented with the opportunity.) She's getting better as each day progresses. Sometimes though I think she doesn't realize just how hurt I've been too. She always says she's the lucky one because she got me and I'm helping her become unbroken, but what she doesn't always seem to realize is I'm just as lucky because she's been helping me too.

     There are people who condemn us for our relationship, for whatever reason, and to those people all I can say is sorry, but I'm happy with her. And though it may seem like our relationship is moving fast, I'd have to be inclined to disagree with you. No two people are ever the same, and so it stands to reason that no two relationships are either, and in the belief just know that I am happy with her, I'm happy where she and are at and I'm happy about the time at which we arrived at this place. I know some won't ever understand this but I feel like it needs saying.

     To continue: This girl. She's funny, she's smart, she's pretty, she's a leader. She's far stronger then she realizes and I can't wait for the day she discovers it. And though she has many fears about how our relationship is going to turn out I plan on sticking around and silencing each and every one of them. Robert Frost famously said that we should take the road less traveled, and while I agree with the sentiment the road less traveled still has a map and in this case I think I'll blaze a new road come what may. And I can't wait to see what new wonders she and I find upon it as we make our way.

Tuesday Letters: This One's Long

I mean really long, so, you know, bare with me.

I don't know why but it seems like whenever I'm in a pinch I write to you. Perhaps because it's easy, or simply because we've been through a lot emotionally. You're a wonderful friend there's no doubt about that. I enjoy talking to you we always seem to have such witty conversations. (sarcasm will do that for you.) 


There's so much I'd simply love to say to you. Unfortunately I never seem to know what they are when I actually have the chance. 


I know... how to properly phrase this? Okay. I like you, I've no doubt you know that, and I know we're only friends and believe me I am okay with that. Especially considering all I've been through lately in the relationship department. I told you I would be whatever you needed me to be and as such I am perfectly happy to be your friend. But I have to be honest (cue hopeless romanticism) I won't say I will always have these feelings because forever is a very long time. But I will say that I'll have them for a while. I guess basically I'm currently apologizing for any likely future/current awkwardness.


And on that subject...... I would of course love to go out with you, because, you know, I like you and all. I think, perhaps we might be good together, but like I said I understand that you don't want that and I'm okay with that. I guess it's just important to me for you to know the whole truth. Although I suppose writing an open letter does kind of defeat that purpose but I suppose you get the point anyway. 


I don't know where I'm going with this. Perhaps just rambling on like I always do. I'm lost about all this, I don't really know why but I just am. It's not a bad thing it's just what it is right now. I'd love to do exactly what you'd like me to do. And if all that is me being your friend, then damn it! I'm gonna be the best friend I can be.


Because I can. 


(I did edit this, I ranted for a while longer but it kind of made very little sense when I went back and read it, but I digress.) 


Your's Truly,


Sam


P.S. I still posted before midnight on Tuesday, yay!


P.P.S. It really isn't your fault by the way, I am awfully sorry about everything that's happened. I just wanted you to know that. 


P.P.P.S. This is about you, but I'm fairly certain you guessed that this time, but perhaps not who knows? 

Hey Didn't See You There!

     I started this post as another open letter. In all honesty I start most of them as open letters because I actually really enjoy writing letters even if I never send them. There's just something relaxing about expressing all the thoughts and feelings that tend to get jumbled up in one simple concise place. Anyway as I read this big long rant of a letter in which I rambled mostly to fill space most likely, I realized I could boil it down to a few sentences so I thought it would be cool for my weekly post to write something of a mix between Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes and the open letters. So, each Tuesday I will write one of these open letter thank you thingys  at least until I come up with a better thing to post weekly haha. 

     So here is my first Tuesday Letter:

Hey, you. 

     It's been a while, I could (and have) written you a long letter but I'm going to condense it to the important stuff. I'm worried about you, and I just want you to know I'm thinking about you and here if you need me. That's it, I hope things get better.

Oh! And because I feel like giving an extra one, mostly because I can't pass up this perfect opportunity here's one more on a lighter note. 

How's it going in there? I appreciate you being quite. It has been a while though so trust me.... We ALL KNOW what's going on. I just wanted to let you know I took the liberty of lending your door knob a sock, just in case could you please make sure it gets washed before you give it back.

Love,

Your Thoughtful Roomy

The End, and The Begining

     I've been staring at the empty page of this blog post for about...... oh an hour now. I've typed beginnings hated them then deleted them, started anew and petered off after the first sentence. I wrote letters but most of them where angry or upset and I didn't want to write that, so I deleted them.

But finally I arrived at a realization after typing out one more angry letter and deleting it:

     A lot of things in my life have ended lately, and while I admit it's had me sad... or worried at times. I made a realization today. I woke up at 7:30 and decided that despite my lack of running shoes I was going to go anyway because I needed that release back in my life, and it felt amazing. When I got back I decided that I was going to go work out the last paperwork I needed to do to re-enroll this term instead of next. And all of a sudden as I accomplished more and more tasks; looking for a job, doing laundry, helping a friend get acquainted to  college life, making plans with people other than my roommates, cleaning the kitchen and organizing my closet, I discovered what I'd been missing as the summer has drawn to a close: a challenge, a task, just something to do. I feel amazing today, accomplished, successful, and most importantly happy.

     Don't get me wrong, I have been surprisingly happy, all things considered. (A little bit of history here, I recently ended a huge yearish long relationship) anyway, the point is I knew in my heart it was time to let go but at the same time, it is hard. But that isn't the point of this post. This post is about new things, about old endings and new beginnings.

    I am so very happy to back in Monmouth, to be near old friends and ready to make new ones. But mostly I'm happy to be starting a new chapter in my life and finally writing the ending of the last one. I feel like I'm thriving again (even if I do play more video games then I should still) old habits die hard I guess. But even my video game addiction is something I've decided to work on and while I'll still play more than the average person I plan on cutting down the hours I log. I'm also going to blog more regularly now; even if it's only a paragraph I want to write once a week. Why? Because I have decided that I want to set a goal for my little blog. I think it would be cool to have at least twenty readers by the end of the year. So in the words of my great hero Barney Stinson: "Challenge excepted!"

     It's time to better myself to become the person, the teacher, the roll model I want to be. The journey starts now, and I know it's going to be an eventful and exciting one. :)

It does not do to dwell on dreams...

Perhaps a tad on the nose but I still think it fits. My lovely little blog here is almost a year old, and having realized that I went back through the other night and reread what I'd said up to this point. And I came to a conclusion, I still have no idea where I'm going with this. I've written about a myriad of topics, from love, to heart break, travel to loss. I've written about writing and thinking, fighting and laughing.  But I still don't know where I'm going.

I've been writing this post for near on a week now, unsure what to say or do. Always looking for the inspiration that's right around the corner just out of reach. So I read, other blogs to be precise. Just to see what they do or where they go. I read a friends fashion blog, a lovers empty blog, a friends emptier blog, and of course the blog that got me started on this whole crazy adventure of writing to a crowd, and many, many, others. And  the conclusion that I reached this morning as the bread bakes and I have time to kill? The very best blogs ramble on, they relate to your life because they're mundane while seeing the magic underneath it all. They're exciting because that same stuff happens to you. And they're helpful because every once in a while it's fun to make thermite.

I don't know where my blog is headed, and perhaps I'll never know, but I can't wait to see where it takes me, and I've started to wonder this morning if perhaps that's because Dumbledore was wrong. Perhaps dwelling on dreams is what makes things magical, or keeps hope alive, the hope that a relative will make it through cancer or the simple hope that your blog has some purpose in this world even if you don't know what it is. Because we never know who's reading this. The boy in New York who stumbled upon one of my countless articles about love and realized the girl in chemistry is worth fighting for. Or the girl in California who reads just to see what's going on in my life. And finally the girl in Oregon who's partially inspired to continue writing and to hell if her blog rambles too.

I've changed they're lives for better or worse simply by eccentrically rambling when I get the chance and so has every other rambling blog out there. So I'm gonna keep writing as long as you keep reading because who knows when my ramblings will take us some place cool? I know I eagerly await new posts from you guys for the same reason (some of you a little longer than others). So here's to another year of rambling, and hopefully the same from all of you. Let's keep one little corner of the blogosphere wonderfully random, shall we?