I've a rather apropos topic today considering the date: love. As you may well know in the recent months I'd thought I lost my chance at a love and was deeply grieved by that prospect, but as it turns out right under my nose all along was the love I'd been looking for but was just too preoccupied to see it. I must admit it wasn't entirely un-looked for truth be told.
This love of mine, it will be hard I know that, they're will be times, and people that will make me want to give it up, but I've realized recently; the past is the past and if I let it rule my life I'll never be happy. I've tried rather unsuccessfully before to let this love go, and yet no matter how hard I tried I couldn't be happy without it. I had my reasons for letting go, ones that seemed good to me at the time but in hindsight I realize now they weren't. I was attempting to make the best of a terrible situation; turns out I just made it worse.
So to the point, a late New Year's Resolution if you will, I'm going to cherish this rekindled romance and I'm going to fight for it as much as possible, but more over in the coming months I'd like to make amends to those I may have wronged in the past, I'm sorry if I have, it was not my intention for the most part, and if it was at one time it was only because I was naive. I hope you can forgive me for that.
Lastly I always promise that I'll write more and I get so busy that I always forget to, but this time I mean it. In the words of Bilbo. "I've put this off for far too long." I haven't forgotten you my little blog nor my kind readers, and I will be giving you more to read in the coming months I promise this time, even if it kills me. So until next time.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Here's Looking at You Kid
Hello readers! I’d like to apologize, I know I’ve been an
absolutely horrendous blogger as of late, and for that I am sorry. I’ve just
been so caught up with trying getting my life in order that I simply haven’t
had as much time as I’d like for my little corner of the internet.
I’m afraid that this post also will be rather short and
though I’m going to try my hardest to post more often for the foreseeable
future that still isn’t going to be a lot. However, as many of you already know
I have recently joined the military and well be shipping out soon for basic
training, now admittedly this will almost certainly cut even deeper into the “Posts
Sam Actually Makes on His Blog” Department at first it will give me some new
material to tell you guys about.
You see I’ve decided that I will try; with what little free
time I won’t have in basic. To write a little bit every day about my experiences
and the lessons I learn during that time. And though I know I won’t write every
day for whatever reason prevents me, nor will I post everything I do write when
I finally put it up here. I can only hope that I post enough interesting stuff
that you lovely people will continue to read it as I post it.
Like I said though, I will try to make another entry or two
before I leave at least. I owe you all that much. So until next time, thank you
so much for suffering through my sparse posting and I hope you stay on to rid
what I post when I finish basic.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Curiouser and Curiouser!
Oh hai there readers! I realized this afternoon that I had
promised you a new letter before last week had ended and I must admit I had
kind of completely forgotten about, so I beg your forgiveness, and without
further ado present the letter :
Hello Dear,
I have a confession to make: It
makes me rather sad that you and I don’t really talk anymore. And I know that’s
somewhat my fault I sort of stopped talking to a lot of people there for
reasons I don’t really think need to be mentioned, but I digress. How have you
been? (Side note I actually have no idea if you even read my blog so this
letter could be kind of pointless) However let’s get to the meat of this letter
shall we?
I’d like to start this letter
but stating that I’m not professing any romantic feelings for you, to be
perfectly honest I’ve never really thought of you in that light . Now mind you
that isn’t to say that I couldn’t, given the right set of circumstances but for
most of the time I’ve known you I had a pretty valid reason not to. However the
other night I had a dream about some of the things that happened last fall and it
got me wondering: Even though I’ve never thought about it, have you? All things considered I imagine
you can see were one might wonder.
I must admit I’ve not a lot to
write without completely giving away who you are and I certainly wouldn't want to
do that. Not to mention you already have a boyfriend and I wouldn’t want to
ruin that. In fact my only really point is this: If you did think about it or
want it or hope that something might happen then I’m sorry. I am very deeply
sorry for being so incredibly oblivious and, well... boy like. I’ve been in that position
before of unrequited love and I know it’s really rather unpleasant so I hope
you can forgive me for not noticing. You were and still are among one of my
dearest friends and I hope that you and I will start talking again soon.
Oh,
and lastly if I’ve read your actions complete wrong (Which is of course
entirely plausible) then… well I’ve nothing to say there that won’t
sound douchey
or fake etc. etc. To be honest it'd probably be best just to talk about
it, then again it always is better to talk about it it just doesn't
always happen. But like I said you are one of my dearest friends and
I don’t want to change that, mostly I was just being contemplative.
Sam
Monday, July 9, 2012
Stones
Hello my lovely readers! Today I have something I thought was rather wonderful to share with you all. It was written by one Ms. Allison of A Fine Frenzy (She has some wonderful music I suggest you go and check her out if you've never heard it before.) Anyway I thought it was so much like something that I might write that I simply had to share it with you all I hope you enjoy it as much as I did and take something meaningful away from it if you can.
we all have stones in our garden.
you know, the ones that sit heavy on the soil.
the kind that, when lifted, reveal a perfect cutout of their shape in the grass, and a collection of worms and beetles frantically digging in the damp ground to escape curious eyes.
we all have these stones.
since we were small, before we can remember, possibly, we’ve taken our secrets- the ones we were too afraid to look at; the ones that hurt- lifted the heavy weight of the biggest stone we can find (it seems almost impossible now that we lifted them all by ourselves, but one must never doubt the strength of children) and buried them under there. and then we ran home, our hands and knees dirty and our tear-stained face attributed to a fall off a bicycle, or an overzealous game of tag.
we get older and we keep hiding things under that stone, careful not to lift it too high each time we slide the new hurt underneath. goodness knows what monsters might escape.
it’s not just one stone, it’s many. this kind of hurt goes under the one with the pinkish spot. this sort of secret goes under the one shaped like a bear’s head. this fear, oh my, just stick it under the one in the corner under the tree, get it away, get it away.
over time, strange things start to grow around the rocks. dark spindly mushrooms, menacing looking tendrils, creeping frightening things that look like they might grab your hand and drag you under, should you come too close.
so we leave those stones alone.
but they don’t leave us.
we look out the back window and there they are, waiting, the shadows that once only lived beneath them edging out towards the tall flowers, the old tree, the clean grass. the things we love.
we can cut the flowers and the tall grass and the tree we used to love to climb, we can move house, we can run every day and every night away from those stones and yet somehow, they follow us. you can drink bottles of wine to blur your vision or dive headfirst into love to soothe your heart but when you close your eyes at night, just before you go to sleep, they will return, whispering, “lift me,” to your aching soul. and we cry, “no, no, never! i can’t!” and our stomach ties in knots and our heart pounds.
well, here’s the question to ask.
and i’m going to speak directly to you, and to myself, rather than using “we”, which is a much more comfortable word but distancing. this next part requires us to get very close.
ask yourself,
“what am i so afraid of?”
yes, when you lift one of those stones, you will see things you don’t want to see. strange creatures might crawl out and bite your ankles. not fatally, though. the kind of wound that heals.
you may feel things you don’t want to feel. old anger, sadness, pain, fear might well up in you so forcefully that your body may say, “i can’t take it, i’m going to explode!”
but you won’t explode. not if you let those things move through you. not if you say, “ok, old thing, you can run around in me for now, i’ve held you down for so long. it’s only fair.”
they will yell and scream and bare their teeth, they will scare you, they will stir you up, but if you are brave enough to let them, to look at them in the face and see them for what they are, and let them be that, then you’ll see that they can’t hurt you anymore. For they are old things, ancient things, many years buried but kept alive by you yourself.
for had you left them in the sun, they would have dried up, dried right out, and then you could have hung them on your wall as souvenirs of things you survived.
it was in the darkness that they grew.
you have to be very brave to do this. it’s not for the faint of heart.
but i have to tell you, when you do, it is such a relief.
wishing you courage, and faith in yourself. you are everything you need to be.
P.S. For those of you (if any) who enjoyed my last post and the start of a wonderful Minecraftian adventure fear not! I am just putting the finishing touches on the next installment and should have it posted for you soon.
P.P.S. I'm also in the process of writing another open letter that will be posted sometime latter this week I should think. Until then I hope you've enjoyed what I posted today.
we all have stones in our garden.
you know, the ones that sit heavy on the soil.
the kind that, when lifted, reveal a perfect cutout of their shape in the grass, and a collection of worms and beetles frantically digging in the damp ground to escape curious eyes.
we all have these stones.
since we were small, before we can remember, possibly, we’ve taken our secrets- the ones we were too afraid to look at; the ones that hurt- lifted the heavy weight of the biggest stone we can find (it seems almost impossible now that we lifted them all by ourselves, but one must never doubt the strength of children) and buried them under there. and then we ran home, our hands and knees dirty and our tear-stained face attributed to a fall off a bicycle, or an overzealous game of tag.
we get older and we keep hiding things under that stone, careful not to lift it too high each time we slide the new hurt underneath. goodness knows what monsters might escape.
it’s not just one stone, it’s many. this kind of hurt goes under the one with the pinkish spot. this sort of secret goes under the one shaped like a bear’s head. this fear, oh my, just stick it under the one in the corner under the tree, get it away, get it away.
over time, strange things start to grow around the rocks. dark spindly mushrooms, menacing looking tendrils, creeping frightening things that look like they might grab your hand and drag you under, should you come too close.
so we leave those stones alone.
but they don’t leave us.
we look out the back window and there they are, waiting, the shadows that once only lived beneath them edging out towards the tall flowers, the old tree, the clean grass. the things we love.
we can cut the flowers and the tall grass and the tree we used to love to climb, we can move house, we can run every day and every night away from those stones and yet somehow, they follow us. you can drink bottles of wine to blur your vision or dive headfirst into love to soothe your heart but when you close your eyes at night, just before you go to sleep, they will return, whispering, “lift me,” to your aching soul. and we cry, “no, no, never! i can’t!” and our stomach ties in knots and our heart pounds.
well, here’s the question to ask.
and i’m going to speak directly to you, and to myself, rather than using “we”, which is a much more comfortable word but distancing. this next part requires us to get very close.
ask yourself,
“what am i so afraid of?”
yes, when you lift one of those stones, you will see things you don’t want to see. strange creatures might crawl out and bite your ankles. not fatally, though. the kind of wound that heals.
you may feel things you don’t want to feel. old anger, sadness, pain, fear might well up in you so forcefully that your body may say, “i can’t take it, i’m going to explode!”
but you won’t explode. not if you let those things move through you. not if you say, “ok, old thing, you can run around in me for now, i’ve held you down for so long. it’s only fair.”
they will yell and scream and bare their teeth, they will scare you, they will stir you up, but if you are brave enough to let them, to look at them in the face and see them for what they are, and let them be that, then you’ll see that they can’t hurt you anymore. For they are old things, ancient things, many years buried but kept alive by you yourself.
for had you left them in the sun, they would have dried up, dried right out, and then you could have hung them on your wall as souvenirs of things you survived.
it was in the darkness that they grew.
you have to be very brave to do this. it’s not for the faint of heart.
but i have to tell you, when you do, it is such a relief.
wishing you courage, and faith in yourself. you are everything you need to be.
P.S. For those of you (if any) who enjoyed my last post and the start of a wonderful Minecraftian adventure fear not! I am just putting the finishing touches on the next installment and should have it posted for you soon.
P.P.S. I'm also in the process of writing another open letter that will be posted sometime latter this week I should think. Until then I hope you've enjoyed what I posted today.
Friday, June 8, 2012
A Chip Off The Old Block
Oh
hai everybody! Remember me? That blogger you started following who never
writes? I know, I know you're think "What a douche" right? Well fear
not dear readers, I believe, (assuming you like my proposition of course) That
I have come up with something clever and witty to keep up rather regular posts!
(Insert fanfare here) So without further ado I give you what I've tentatively
decided to call "A Chip off The Old Block"
Day 1
I awoke this morning in a strange land with no idea where I was or how I had managed to get there. All around me where oak trees and above all an oppressive silence save the occasional moo of some cow off in the distance.
Seeing no immediate signs of civilization I decided to explore the general area in the hopes of finding some farm or village where I might inquire as to my location. However by mid afternoon I was forced to concluded that my search was in vain. Having thus returned to the clearing in which I had first awoken I endeavored to find some cave or hole in which I might pass the night. However once again my search was in vain. Having spent most of my day aimlessly wandering around I admit I gave into a rather childish display of rage and began punching a tree. To my delight I discovered that after several blows I was actually able to break the tree and collect some wood.
Having made this wonderful discovery I immediately set about collecting as much wood as possible as the day was fast getting on and I must admit I felt rather uneasy for some unexplained reason about spending the night out in the open.
As the sun began to set I had myself a rather quaint little hut of wood and resolved to wait out the night till dawn. When all of sudden I heard the most ghastly moans outside of my walls. Not wanting to be caught unprepared I set about creating a table on which to craft items and made myself a simple weapon out of wood.
I fear I will not survive this night, I pray to Notch that I may make it through and avoid whatever horrors continue to moan and rattle outside my door!
Day 1
I awoke this morning in a strange land with no idea where I was or how I had managed to get there. All around me where oak trees and above all an oppressive silence save the occasional moo of some cow off in the distance.
Seeing no immediate signs of civilization I decided to explore the general area in the hopes of finding some farm or village where I might inquire as to my location. However by mid afternoon I was forced to concluded that my search was in vain. Having thus returned to the clearing in which I had first awoken I endeavored to find some cave or hole in which I might pass the night. However once again my search was in vain. Having spent most of my day aimlessly wandering around I admit I gave into a rather childish display of rage and began punching a tree. To my delight I discovered that after several blows I was actually able to break the tree and collect some wood.
Having made this wonderful discovery I immediately set about collecting as much wood as possible as the day was fast getting on and I must admit I felt rather uneasy for some unexplained reason about spending the night out in the open.
As the sun began to set I had myself a rather quaint little hut of wood and resolved to wait out the night till dawn. When all of sudden I heard the most ghastly moans outside of my walls. Not wanting to be caught unprepared I set about creating a table on which to craft items and made myself a simple weapon out of wood.
I fear I will not survive this night, I pray to Notch that I may make it through and avoid whatever horrors continue to moan and rattle outside my door!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Improbably Impossible
Well hello there!
It's been awhile, and so very much has happened since my lost post so I figured it was time to give an update. First off my humble little blog has recently hit 1,500 views! I want to thank all of you who have helped me reach this goal. It means a lot to me that so many of you take time out of your day to read my tiny section of the internet. It's funny you know, my blogs second birthday is just around the corner too and even after two years I still have no idea where I'm headed with this blog.
I've often been asked why I don't delete posts about things that no longer hold true in my life, such as past relationships. I personally think that's silly though, even though they didn't work out like I expected those relationships are what have made me who I am and gotten me to this point in my life, and I believe that's something that should be remembered rather than hidden.
Moving on, as many of you know my life hasn't gone exactly according to plan over the past few months and even though I'm still not out of the woods yet I'm striving to set things right and bring myself back up. I've been depressed as of late, but I started talking with a therapist recently and I think I'm making headway to being a happier person again.
Finally, I've several letters I'd like to get out there for those that need to read them to read if they will, and if they don't; I suppose that's their loss isn't it?
Letter #1
Hey,
I'm honestly truly sorry, I know I haven't exactly lived up to your expectations and though we no longer talk just know that I am trying. It's been hard harder than I ever imagined, but I am trying. I hope one day we can look back on this together and see that this is a turning point toward being what we know I can be, and achieving the goals I know I can. That's all I can say to you right now I wish I had more but I don't, so I hope this suffices for now.
Love,
Sam
Letter #2
My Dear,
It's been far too long. I've not a lot that I can say to you but know this much: I regret the way I acted all things considered I lost a truly wonderful friend when I drove you away and I hope that one day perhaps you and I can talk again. I miss our delightfully heated debates over silly things. It was always such a pleasure to talk to you and I look forward to a time when you and I can be friends again.
Sam
Letter #3
Hello Sweetie,
I've so much I wish I could say to you but I know I'll never get the chance. Oh sweetie.
Sam
Letter #4
Oh My Darling,
It's been so very long since I've written to you. I've so much to say to you but I've no idea where to begin. I'm rather confused about the whole situation to be perfectly honest. I love that we're talking again believe me. You've helped me so much recently and I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been there to talk to me and support me. Just... please don't go anywhere and... well I don't know why right now but I pray you stick around as a friend.
Yours Truly,
Sam
Letter #5
Hey,
I know you probably won't read this; you've made it abundantly clear you don't care for blogs nor understand their purpose. But anyway I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I will make it up to you. I know that my word doesn't mean a lot right now but it's all I have and whatever it takes I will make this right I promise.
Sam
Letter #6
Hello,
Unlike all the other people to who I am writing I'm almost completely sure you aren't going to read this. However if for some reason you do I just wanted to thank you for something you did today. It may be silly and not seem like a lot but it meant so very much to me. You smiled and waved at me. You've been a great friend through out all of this and though I didn't really realize it at the time. So thank you, I can't even explain what that simple act of kindness did for me today.
Sincerely,
Sam
It's been awhile, and so very much has happened since my lost post so I figured it was time to give an update. First off my humble little blog has recently hit 1,500 views! I want to thank all of you who have helped me reach this goal. It means a lot to me that so many of you take time out of your day to read my tiny section of the internet. It's funny you know, my blogs second birthday is just around the corner too and even after two years I still have no idea where I'm headed with this blog.
I've often been asked why I don't delete posts about things that no longer hold true in my life, such as past relationships. I personally think that's silly though, even though they didn't work out like I expected those relationships are what have made me who I am and gotten me to this point in my life, and I believe that's something that should be remembered rather than hidden.
Moving on, as many of you know my life hasn't gone exactly according to plan over the past few months and even though I'm still not out of the woods yet I'm striving to set things right and bring myself back up. I've been depressed as of late, but I started talking with a therapist recently and I think I'm making headway to being a happier person again.
Finally, I've several letters I'd like to get out there for those that need to read them to read if they will, and if they don't; I suppose that's their loss isn't it?
Letter #1
Hey,
I'm honestly truly sorry, I know I haven't exactly lived up to your expectations and though we no longer talk just know that I am trying. It's been hard harder than I ever imagined, but I am trying. I hope one day we can look back on this together and see that this is a turning point toward being what we know I can be, and achieving the goals I know I can. That's all I can say to you right now I wish I had more but I don't, so I hope this suffices for now.
Love,
Sam
Letter #2
My Dear,
It's been far too long. I've not a lot that I can say to you but know this much: I regret the way I acted all things considered I lost a truly wonderful friend when I drove you away and I hope that one day perhaps you and I can talk again. I miss our delightfully heated debates over silly things. It was always such a pleasure to talk to you and I look forward to a time when you and I can be friends again.
Sam
Letter #3
Hello Sweetie,
I've so much I wish I could say to you but I know I'll never get the chance. Oh sweetie.
Sam
Letter #4
Oh My Darling,
It's been so very long since I've written to you. I've so much to say to you but I've no idea where to begin. I'm rather confused about the whole situation to be perfectly honest. I love that we're talking again believe me. You've helped me so much recently and I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been there to talk to me and support me. Just... please don't go anywhere and... well I don't know why right now but I pray you stick around as a friend.
Yours Truly,
Sam
Letter #5
Hey,
I know you probably won't read this; you've made it abundantly clear you don't care for blogs nor understand their purpose. But anyway I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I will make it up to you. I know that my word doesn't mean a lot right now but it's all I have and whatever it takes I will make this right I promise.
Sam
Letter #6
Hello,
Unlike all the other people to who I am writing I'm almost completely sure you aren't going to read this. However if for some reason you do I just wanted to thank you for something you did today. It may be silly and not seem like a lot but it meant so very much to me. You smiled and waved at me. You've been a great friend through out all of this and though I didn't really realize it at the time. So thank you, I can't even explain what that simple act of kindness did for me today.
Sincerely,
Sam
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Out of The Blue
Hey you,
It's been awhile. I just wanted to write you and let you know I'm doing better. Not great, but better and that's a start I suppose. I won't say I'm happy without you because that's a lie, but I'm beginning to see that maybe it's better this way. I don't know for sure but I think it might be. At the end of the day all I wanted was for you to be happy with or without me I don't care, but happy nonetheless.
I miss you of course that goes without saying, you meant the world to me and that isn't something that's just going to go away. There will always be that part of me that hangs on. The little voice that screams at me for trying to let go. But to Hell with that voice. I know you no longer care for me as you used to and though I won't pretend to understand how the feelings you had for me can just disappear as they did, I'm not going to try and force you to have them again.
I loved you my dear.
Time for me to buck up though. It's silly to let you control, my life as you have till now. So I'm moving on. I hope one day you and I can be friends again but if not that's okay too. Truth be told I know from experience were we to talk again those feelings would come back. And they'd be awfully hard to hold back. If we ever talk again I'll let you know if that's a good or bad thing. Anyway I should think it's time for our goodbyes my love, it's better this way in a sense. I truly do hope you have a happy life. I know you'll accomplish so much with it.
Goodbye.
It's been awhile. I just wanted to write you and let you know I'm doing better. Not great, but better and that's a start I suppose. I won't say I'm happy without you because that's a lie, but I'm beginning to see that maybe it's better this way. I don't know for sure but I think it might be. At the end of the day all I wanted was for you to be happy with or without me I don't care, but happy nonetheless.
I miss you of course that goes without saying, you meant the world to me and that isn't something that's just going to go away. There will always be that part of me that hangs on. The little voice that screams at me for trying to let go. But to Hell with that voice. I know you no longer care for me as you used to and though I won't pretend to understand how the feelings you had for me can just disappear as they did, I'm not going to try and force you to have them again.
I loved you my dear.
Time for me to buck up though. It's silly to let you control, my life as you have till now. So I'm moving on. I hope one day you and I can be friends again but if not that's okay too. Truth be told I know from experience were we to talk again those feelings would come back. And they'd be awfully hard to hold back. If we ever talk again I'll let you know if that's a good or bad thing. Anyway I should think it's time for our goodbyes my love, it's better this way in a sense. I truly do hope you have a happy life. I know you'll accomplish so much with it.
Goodbye.
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